I found a great example of this when I looked for gyms near me.
Gym 1 said, "Gym 1 is a premiere fitness, athletics, and rehabilitation facility that features the highest caliber trainers, equipment..."
Sounds impressive, doesn't it? But does it get you excited about joining a gym?
Now read the beginning of Gym 2's ad.
We've helped our members:
-fit into their clothes
-make their exes jealous
-look amazing at their wedding
Sure, some people would opt for Gym 1 over Gym 2. But clearly Gym 2 makes more of an emotional connection with the reader.
You can find similar contrasts in wealth management. For example, one firm says, "Our company has been in business for 60 years." Prospective clients may read that statement and ask "So what? Why should I care?" They might re-word that as "Your money will be managed by a firm that has weathered up-markets and down-markets for 60 years."
How would you re-write "Our company has been in business for 60 years?" It would be great to get your suggestions.
_________________
Susan B. Weiner, CFA
Check out my website at www.InvestmentWriting.com or sign up for my free monthly e-newsletter.
Copyright 2009 by Susan B. Weiner All rights reserved
We have deal with selfish and unreasonable people for over 60 years and managed to survive and sometimes thrive.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, do I detect a note of sarcasm?
ReplyDeleteThanks to Greg at GTI Advisors, who sent me the following example of how his firm explains how long they've been in business.
ReplyDelete"If you're like most of our clients, you've spent a long time building your success. We've been assisting people like you make informed decisions to protect that success for more than 40 years."
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